


Wonder

by myxstorie



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), Kanjani8 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-25
Updated: 2010-02-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 02:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2008362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myxstorie/pseuds/myxstorie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For <span class="ljuser i-ljuser i-ljuser-type-P"></span><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://msdesireen.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://msdesireen.livejournal.com/"><b>msdesireen</b></a> for the <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/ryoda_love/534893.html"><i>Valentine's Ficolate Exchange</i></a>, originally posted <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/ryoda_love/529932.html">here</a>. One of her prompts was <i>code</i>, and I think the lyrics for that are absolutely beautiful, so I couldn't resist using it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wonder

Sometimes, Ueda wonders.

_What if._

He thinks about it all the time, _what if_. What if he took a different route to work this morning, what if one of the group of high-schoolers across the street suddenly tripped and fell, what if he bought sandwiches for lunch instead of bento.

The first, he might hit an unexpected red light and be late, be scolded. If it was one of the girls to fall, there would probably be a scrabble of male hands to lift her up, and if he took out his sandwiches, he'd end up giving half of them to Jin and pick at Maru's food instead.

These kind of things are easy to imagine, but there's no challenge in wondering _what if this, what if that._ Ueda much prefers to think about what would happen if a hurricane destroyed all he'd ever known, what if the sun suddenly stopped shining, what if the sky caved in. Would mankind be able to adapt, to protect itself? Or would everything and everyone be swept up and wiped out, with not a trace of life left behind?

When he's alone, Ueda wonders about everything. His surroundings, _what if it looked like this,_ the people scuttling back and forth, _maybe he's a spy_ , always in such a hurry, _I wonder where they're going_. But when he's with Ryo, he finds it almost impossible to wonder about anything else.

More often than not, Ueda's mind wanders into the past. Would they have ended up where they are today had Ryo not berated him relentlessly when they were younger? Is there a red string tying their pinky fingers together that would have brought them here no matter what, or would they have dropped beneath each others' radar, just a name that passes with conversation?

Would he still find Ryo asleep on his couch on the mornings he arrives back in Tokyo if he had waited that extra month to give him a key? Would his coffee table be a mess of sheet music and empty coffee cans if he hadn't suggested they play together? Would Thursday be the night for Chinese food and a movie if he hadn't mentioned how badly he'd been craving sweet and sour pork after work?

There are so many _what if_ s about Ryo that it's impossible for Ueda to keep track of them. What if he hadn't let Ryo stay over that night, would Ryo still smile at him in the same way. What if he'd looked away a moment sooner, and hadn't seen the way Ryo's eyes softened around the edges. What if he'd turned the television off after the first movie, and Ryo hadn't fallen asleep on his shoulder.

Would they still be where they are today?

-

He shouldn't be here, but he couldn't resist seeing it, seeing the song Ryo had been pouring over for months finally coming together beneath lights the colour of fate.

He watches as Ryo takes to the stage, small in stature but huge in presence, and the screams and shouts of the crowd around him might as well be on mute for all that he hears them.

For the first time since he can remember, Ueda isn't wondering about anything.

For once, the questions and possibilites take a back seat.

For once, the _what if_ s aren't important

Because Ryo is singing, and from the first word, Ueda's hooked. He's hanging on every syllable that falls from Ryo's lips until he's scared that if he breathes, he'll break, shatter the dam holding all of his emotion in check and crumble beneath the power of emotion in Ryo's words.

Then Ryo shouts, yells out his passion and his affection with every fibre of his being, baring his heart and soul to them all. He says everything they've never been strong enough to say to each other in one long, raw scream that sounds like it's being torn from his throat as he pours everything out, out, out until Ueda's choking, ducking his head further into his hood to hide cheeks that glisten in the lights.

Sometimes, Ueda wonders.

And sometimes, he realises that it's _this_ , the here and the now and the _life_ all around him, the life that they've built together that really, truly matter.

It doesn't matter how they got here, because their lives are in the future now, tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year, and from now on, Ueda's going to be strong enough to say it, too.


End file.
